Jayson Werth’s Beard is a BIG DEAL
In clearly what has been the biggest development in Philadelphia sports since it was discovered that Cliff Lee’s middle name started with a PH, Jayson Werth showed up to Spring Training today sporting a beard that would make any father proud and any mother cringe.
“Where does J Werth’s beard rank on the all time beard scale?” – you.
“I thought you’d never ask… let’s check out the beard scale from one to Abe Lincoln!” – me.
Chan Ho Park- He gets a solid 1. He secures that 1 ranking mainly because he turned to the dark side and signed with the Yankees. If he had just taken the Phillies cashmoney (more then the Yanks offered) his beard would be viewed as incredible, possibly even a 6 on the scale. But sorry Park, shave it and go sit in the bullpen. And I hope the Yankees never tell you when you are going to pitch so none of your family can ever watch you.
The Geico Caveman- This guy gets a 3. I’d rate him much higher, but the beard is clearly FAKE. I know it’s a shock to 
most of you, because you believe everything you see on TV, but this guy is a fraud. He’s only getting the 3 because he’s convinced so many people that he actually is a real caveman, including the execs at ABC, who gave him a TV show for about 70 minutes last year.
Tom Hanks- Tom Hanks gets an 8. No more, no less. I mean, I guess he 
could get more, but I’d have to look at thousands of more beards and confirm that he is in higher then the 80th percentile to rank him any higher (and I’m not going to do that right now). Hanks gets the 8 not only for his beard in Forrest Gump but also for his Cast Away beard, which was legendary at worst.
Brent Beddis- 8.5. There’s a story to this one, and I’m probably going to tell it wrong, but I’m going to give it an honest effort here. If the legend holds true, Brent grew his beard (seen below) for a solid year leading up to a very important med school test. Now, Brent has a girlfriend, which in many cases makes growing a beard this [ridiculous] looking that much tougher, because there is constant nagging and objection, but Katherine is cool, so he was allowed to grow in peace. Whether you’re at home or at work, give a quick round of applause for Brent Beddis and his commitment to the cause here.
If I had to pick one WWE/F wrestler that Jayson Werth most resembles, and there was some kind of money riding on percentages of people selecting the same wrestler, I’d have to take Edge. But no money riding on this and I want to have fun with this… so just look at the picture below and tell me that with a change of shades, a cowboy hat, some hair dye and a championship belt, Jayson Werth does not look eerily similar to the Macho Man Randy Savage. Randy gets a 7.25 here- good shape, stroked it often (that’s what she said) and never shaved it throughout all of his years in the squared circle.
Which famous beards did I leave out? This list is by no means complete… but the US just came back to only being down by 1 stone after 6 ends in curling (you have no idea what I’m talking about), so the list has to end here.